Posted on Sun, Jun. 27, 2004
`The DaVinci Code,' cracked
by Dave Barry
I have written a blockbuster novel. My inspiration
was The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown, which has sold 253 trillion copies in
hardcover because it's such a compelling page-turner. NOBODY can put this book
down:
MOTHER ON BEACH: Help! My child is being attacked
by a shark!
LIFEGUARD (looking up from The DaVinci Code: Not
now! I just got to page 243, where it turns out that one of the men depicted in
''The Last Supper'' is actually a woman!
MOTHER: I know! Isn't that incredible? And it turns
out that she's . . .
SHARK (spitting out the child): Don't give it away!
I'm only on page 187!
The key to The DaVinci Code is that it's filled
with startling plot twists, and almost every chapter ends with a
''cliffhanger,'' so you have to keep reading to see what will happen. Using this
formula, I wrote the following blockbuster novel, titled The Constitution
Conundrum. It's fairly short now, but when I get a huge publishing contract,
I'll flesh it out to 100,000 words by adding sentences.
CHAPTER ONE: Handsome yet unmarried historian Hugh
Heckman stood in the National Archives Building in Washington, D. C., squinting
through the bulletproof glass at the U. S. Constitution. Suddenly, he made an
amazing discovery.
''My God!'' he said, out loud. ``This is
incredible! Soon I will say what it is.''
CHAPTER TWO: ''What is it?'' said a woman Heckman
had never seen before who happened to be standing next to him. She was extremely
beautiful, but wore glasses as a sign of intelligence.
''My name is Desiree Legume,'' she
said.
Heckman felt he could trust her.
''Look at this!'' he said, pointing to the
Constitution.
''My God, that's incredible!'' said Desiree. ``It's
going to be very surprising when we finally reveal what we're talking
about!''
CHAPTER THREE: ''Yes,'' said Hugh, ``incredible as
it seems, there are extra words written in the margin of the U. S. Constitution,
and nobody ever noticed them until now! They appear to be in some kind of
code.''
''Let me look,'' said Desiree. ``In addition to
being gorgeous, I am a trained codebreaker. Oh my God!''
''What is it?'' asked Hugh in an excited yet
concerned tone of voice. ''The message,'' said Desiree, ``is . . .
''
But just then, the chapter ended.
CHAPTER FOUR: ''It's a fiendishly clever code,''
explained Desiree. 'As you can see, the words say: `White House White House Bo
Bite House, Banana Fana Fo Fite House, Fe Fi Mo Mite House, White House.'
''
''Yes,'' said Hugh, frowning in bafflement. ``But
what can it possibly mean?''
''If I am correct,'' said Desiree, ``it is
referring to . . . the White House!''
''My God!'' said Hugh. ``That's where the president
lives! Do you think . . . ''
''Do I think what?'' said Desiree.
''I don't know,'' said Hugh. ``But we're about to
find out.''
CHAPTER FIVE: Hugh and Desiree crouched in some
bushes next to the Oval Office.
''We'd better hurry up and solve this mystery,''
remarked Desiree anxiously. ''It's only a matter of time before somebody notices
that the Constitution is missing.'' She had slipped it into her purse at the
National Archives while the guard wasn't looking.
''The answer must be here somewhere,'' said Hugh,
studying the ancient document, which was brown from age and the fact that he had
spilled Diet Peach Snapple on it.
''Wait a minute!'' he said. ``I've got
it!''
''What?'' said Desiree, her breasts heaving into
view.
''The answer!'' said Hugh. ``It's . .
.
But just then, shots rang out.
CHAPTER SIX: ''That was close!'' remarked Desiree.
``Fortunately, those shots had nothing to do with the plot of this
book.''
''Yes,'' said Hugh. ``Anyway, as I was saying, the
answer is to hold the Constitution up so that it is aligned with the White House
and the Washington Monument. . . . There, do you see what I mean?''
''My God!'' said Desiree, seeing what he meant.
``It's . . . ''
''Hold it right there,'' said the president of the
United States.
CHAPTER SEVEN: '' . . . and so you see,'' concluded
the president, ``you two uncovered a shocking and fascinating secret that, if it
should ever get out, could change the course of history.''
''Mr. President,'' said Desiree, ``thank you for
that riveting and satisfying explanation, which will be fleshed out into much
greater detail once there is a publishing contract.''
''Also,'' noted Hugh, ``we may use some beverage
other than Snapple, depending on what kind of product-placement deals can be
worked out.''
''Good,'' said the president. ``Now can I have the
Constitution back?''
They all enjoyed a hearty laugh, for they knew that
the movie rights were also available.