From: Mermaid . (britannica@hotmail.com)
Date: Thu Mar 07 2002 - 10:42:23 MST
http://www.satirewire.com/news/march02/chosen.shtml
GOD NAMES NEXT "CHOSEN PEOPLE"; IT'S JEWS AGAIN
"Oh Shit," Say Jews
Jerusalem (SatireWire.com) Update — Jews, whose troubled, 10,000-year term
as God's "chosen people" finally expired last night, woke up this morning to
find that they had once again been hand-picked by the Almighty. Synagogues
across the globe declared a day of mourning.
Asked if the descendants of Abraham shouldn't be pleased about being tapped
for an unprecedented second term, Jerusalem Rabbi Ben Meyerson shrugged. "Of
course, you are right, we should be thrilled," he said. "We should also
enjoy a good swift kick in the head, but for some reason, we don't.
God conducts blind drawing.
"Now don't ask such questions until you watch the news, or read history, or
at least rent 'Fiddler on the Roof'."
Much of the world's re-blessed Jewish community shared that feeling. "It's
always been considered a joke with us. You know, 'Please G-d, next time
choose someone else,' ha ha," said New York City resident David Bashert.
"Ha. Ha ha," Bashert added. "Shit."
According to a worldwide survey of faiths, not a single group expressed an
interest in being chosen, and the only application submitted before last
night's filing deadline, on behalf of the Islamic people, proved to be a
fake.
"Somebody filled out a form and signed our name to it, but I guarantee it
wasn't us," said Imam Yusuf Al Muhammed of Medina, Saudi Arabia. "I'm not
going to say who it was, but the application was filled out in Hebrew."
"Oh, don't be such a k'vatsh," responded Meyerson. "It's only 10,000 years.
Trust me, after a few diaspora, you would have gotten used to the universal
hatred thing."
Due to the absence of voluntary candidates, God's Law stipulated that the
Almighty had to choose a people at random to serve out the next 10-millenia
term. Elias Contreau, director of the International Interfaith Working
Group, said he wasn't surprised it came to a blind drawing.
"According to the Bible, God promised to bless Abraham and those who came
after him," said Contreau. "Who knows, maybe that sounded good at the time,
or maybe 'blessed' meant something different back then, like 'Short periods
of prosperity interrupted by insufferable friggin' chaos.' Whatever, I think
it's safe to say that people didn't know what they were agreeing to."
Now they do, Contreau added, which he said explains why so many religions
had lately been exalting God's existence, but downplaying their own.
"We were not avoiding Him. We just told our parishioners that if Anyone
asks, we're out," insisted Archbishop of Canterbury Dr. George Carey, who
had called off services during February. "Besides, we weren't the only ones.
I didn't see the Hindus raising their hands."
"Now look, it's like we told the ethereal vision who dropped off the
application, 'Sure, we have a strong shared faith and all that, but I
wouldn't exactly say we're a 'people,' not really,'" recalled Hindu leader
Samuldrala Swami Maharaj of Calcutta. "Plus, you know, I told him we had a
lot of other commitments. We'd like to help, honestly. Another time, maybe."
Jewish leaders, meanwhile, said they will propose an amendment to God's Law
prohibiting a people from serving for more than two terms. "Hopefully, G-d
will hear our prayer," said Meyerson. "No, wait, that's what got us into
this."
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