From: Jonathan Davis (jon.davis@iomartdsl.com)
Date: Sat Apr 13 2002 - 11:52:02 MDT
From: http://www.kuro5hin.org/?op=displaystory;sid=2002/4/11/17120/2629
THE PROBLEM
In a nutshell, the problem (if it is a problem) is that I'm in my late
40s, straight, male, a virgin, and I don't know why. I'm a bit shy in
normal social situations, and tend toward the silent type, but I've
managed to learn to overcome normal shyness in most situations. I can
function in society, at least in those situations where there are enough
people around to blend in, or where there's some kind of script, real or
implied (such as public speaking or teaching). So people who know me
find it hard to credit that I'm extremely, painfully even, shy in
intimate situations.
I've dated from time to time, throughout my life, though I started late
(junior year in college, age 20). It's pretty much true that I fall in
love first, then start dating the desired person, and find that I don't
really know how or when to express my feelings without scaring the
person away. I guess the notion of casual dating is foreign, in part
because dating itself is such a stressful experience that I can't
imagine doing it for fun. But since it is a necessary part of forming
relationships in our society, I took it on as a required course; like
engineering students taking lit classes. And, naturally enough, the idea
that I was not enjoying myself was communicated nonverbally, and my date
thought I didn't enjoy her company. Not so; that was the only part of
the experience I did enjoy.
There's also the anxiety. I was nervous about being alone with someone,
with the stakes so high. For once in my life there was something I cared
about: whether she liked me or approved of me. And I cared desperately
about that. So I was the more nervous. And then I got nervous about the
nervousness itself; fearing the loss of bodily control that the
queasiness threatened to become (and actually did become on several
occasions). This returns forcefully from time to time, in some
relationships, over the years.
So it seemed (and still seems) that in some way I was different from
most people, who find forming relationships possible, or easy, or fun.
And all the talking to myself didn't help at all. So the problem,
whatever it is, seems to be a pretty hard-core one, a matter of my
nature. Perhaps not, but so it seems. Maybe the hope of changing, when
it comes, is the cruelest part of the experience, since it goes away
again, each time.
MORE
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Regards
Jonathan
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